1.3 million women every single year.

The number 1 complication of childbirth.

One of the leading causes of death for women in the first year postpartum.

The silence coming from the medical profession on Maternal Mental Illnesses deafens me.

I realize that doctors get almost no training on this issue. The Ob/Gyns see it as a mental health problem. The psychologists and psychiatrists see it as a complication of childbirth. The pediatricians see it as a problem for the mother. No one wants to own this.

I am, constantly, starting over. New Year's Day and all the resolutions that tend to come with it never really phase me simply because I am resolving, struggling, losing, falling, and resolving all the time. There is always a new idea. There is always a way to feel better, to stay on top of the housework, to stay motivated, to lose weight. There is always something.

I need some nothing.

Babies. I wants one.

Yes, I know I already have one, I mean I want another one. Adam seems amenable to the idea in a general way. Is that because he knows it will mean more sex for him? Probably. He also just doesn't get as totally terrified about things as I do. People who are mentally stable tend to be, well, mentally stable. Go figure.

Can we all just be honest? Really honest - with ourselves and with the people around us. I'm looking for some OUT LOUD honesty about some deep, dark shit right now.

I've written and rewritten this post in my head a million times over the last few days.  I've tried to let it go and to stay away from the subject, but I can't.

I should have learned by now to not read the comments online. Read the article if it looks interesting, but for all that is holy DO NOT READ THE COMMENTS! I don't ever learn.

I just want to take a bath.

I just want to sleep.

to not be in charge.

to awake refreshed.