Your Family's Values

I know you’ve seen signs like this, you might even have one on your lawn or hanging in your kitchen. Every family has a set of values that they live by - some make it explicit with a family value statement and some are more implicit. 

But every family fails to live up to its stated values - a lot. 

We fail because we’re human and because we’re living under systems that work in opposition to our values most of the time. And we fail because we aren’t taking intentional action to succeed. 

The problems we face are massive, they are legion, and they are deeply complex. Creating sustainable change requires acknowledging when, where, and how we’ve been complicit in the past and it usually requires us losing something in the future - power, money, status, safety. 

It’s much more simple to put a sign on the lawn. Or a magnet on the fridge. To buy a t-shirt. Or donate to a cause. It feels good. It feels like we’ve done something and like we’ve shown our children who we are. 

And we have, but it’s not necessarily the lesson we actually wanted to teach. You and I both know that our kids don’t listen to what we say. They learn from what we do. And they see where our actions and our words aren’t aligned. 

But how do we align our actions with our values in a world that is working against those values? 

You can’t. Not perfectly. What you can do is to bring your actions more in line with your values. And what we all must do is be honest with our children about when our actions are not aligned with our values and why. 

It starts with defining what is most important to you. What are your values? What are your partner’s values if you have one? What are your kid’s values? What is it that you, as a family, truly believe? 

In everything, we must remember our own humanity. You will not be able to create sustainable change and impact on every single thing on your list. You won’t be able to fully live out every value every day. Perfectionism is bullshit. 

So what feels the most out of alignment for you? Or what is allllllllmost there and just needs a nudge? What do you feel most drawn to change right now? It matters much less how you choose than that you choose something. 

Start somewhere. Pick something. 

It starts with you. 

I taught a workshop on this a few months ago and one of the moms said that caring for and valuing nature was what she wanted to work on. So I asked how that fit into her own life. How does she work with the cycles of nature in her life? 

We all want to jump to big thing, to stopping deforestation or blocking a pipeline expansion - those a huge and necessary things! And if we want these values to be truly sustainable they have to first become personal. So I suggested that she look at her life in terms of seasons and cycles and start there. 

Then you add in your immediate family. How do they interact with the natural world? This could be spending more time outside, caring for plants or animals inside, composting, recycling, buying reusable materials, all kinds of things. 

Then you move out into your immediate community. What’s happening around you? Are there community gardens, mutual aid groups focused on sustainability, community clean ups? Are there major polluters in your area? What’s happening in your municipal or state government and who is doing the work to create change? How can you support the people in your area who are being most impacted by climate change and aren’t being heard? How can you amplify their work? 

Then you move to the national and global scale. Where can you give time, money, or work that will move the needle? 

You have the most power to change your own actions, to change your own thoughts, to educate yourself. The second ring of power is your immediate family, then your community, and as it moves out your power dissipates. 

This doesn’t mean that you ignore what’s happening on a large scale, that you don’t pay attention, don’t vote, or protest, that’s not what I’m saying. It means that when you focus on creating sustainable change within yourself and your family first you’ll be much better able to sustain involvement and create change within your community and on a larger scale. 

Sticking with the one example of the nature mom - she may realize that Spring and Fall are her action seasons, that’s when she has the most energy. She may bring more plants into her home and teach her children to care for them. At the same time she can change her buying habits and learn more about what’s happening in her local area. And when it comes time to make commitments to volunteer she knows when she can commit and how long she can sustain actions. Summer and Winter are for learning, Spring and Fall are for doing. 

In between all of this, life will happen. Things will pull her focus. And, of course, there will be other issues she cares about and will take action on. But this is a value that she can continue to live out in a sustainable way because it fits her beliefs and she has intimately connected it to her life until it becomes, well…natural. 

If this all seems simple, that’s because it is. It isn’t, however, easy. Sustainable change never actually is. It requires honesty, learning, asking for help, support from community, and a willingness to fuck it up and to learn when you do.