Micro-Revolutions In Motherhood

There is no doubt in my mind that we need more than one revolution to create a world that is worthy of our children. Looking around at the world through their eyes sometimes I can see only what’s wrong, what’s broken, what I don’t want for them. I see massive systemic issues that affect us on global, national, regional, and local scales. It’s overwhelming - and yet I have two small people who are looking to me to make things right for them. 

And the truth is that I can’t. I cannot fix this world. I cannot save it. 

So what can I do?

The place where I have the most power is in our home and so that’s where I use my power first. Adam and I have both been extremely intentional in how we model adulthood for our kids.

We’re honest about our fuckups. We ask each other for help. We share our feelings. We disagree in front of them and we talk things through in front of them. And so our kids already know, at 5 and 8 years old, that adults don’t know everything. Parents aren’t perfect. They know that when you’re struggling, you ask for help. They know that asking for support isn’t weak. 

This refusal to chase perfectionism is a direct refutation of capitalism and white supremacy and how they affect who gets support in our country. Our kids are now at an age where we can be even more explicit about that when we talk about larger issues. The groundwork has been laid. If no one has to earn care or rest in our home then why should they have to earn it outside our home? 

I won’t lie to them and say that people don’t have to earn those things outside our home, because they do. But what I can do is say and show our children that that is wrong. That there is another way. That supporting and caring for others is a part of being human and that so is needing the support and care of others. 

This has grown outwards to become a family project - the paper bag project. The kids decorate paper bags, and we fill them with clean socks, a little cash, a bottle of water, a snack, menstruation products, and painkillers (Tylenol, Motrin, whatever we have at hand). Then those bags go into the car and whenever we see a person who needs a bag, we give them a bag. 

It’s a small thing, yes. And it reinforces the idea that all people are people and all people deserve whatever support we can give - in big ways and small ways. It’s not perfect, it doesn’t meet the full need, and still it’s better than being stuck in overwhelm. 

This is what I mean by a micro-revolution. A small change in thought that leads to further changes in both thought and action. Sometimes these are conscious choices we make and sometimes they’re thrust upon us by circumstance and the choice is in how we deal with those circumstances. 

I have PTSD, depression, and anxiety and sometimes that leads to panic attacks or depression spirals. My mental illnesses have always manifested physically, so my panic attacks include sweating, dizziness, nausea, and shakes. My depression shows itself as fatigue, full-body aches, and migraines. These are things that I could try and mask and hide from the kids - and in the beginning, I did that. But it didn’t work. Children are far more attuned to their parents than we generally give them credit for. 

And so I stopped hiding and started being honest. “Mommy is scared. There isn’t anything to be scared of, but I can’t really stop being scared right now.” They see how Adam reacts to me, how he asks what I need, how he doesn’t judge, how he respects what I say. And they repeat those actions - with me and with others. 

When my son was in kindergarten, a classmate got overwhelmed and anxious and was sitting in a corner, crying. He went over and sat next to them and said, “It’s okay. You’re safe. I’ll just sit here with you.” because it was exactly what his dad said to me. His teacher was amazed.

In first grade, it was my son who was getting overwhelmed. He couldn’t sit still in class and he’d get scared out of nowhere and hide under the desk or run to the bathroom and hide there. But again, his teacher and counselors were amazed at how sophisticated his language about his feelings was. And they were also shocked that after the crisis passed he would reintegrate into the classroom so easily. He had no shame around his needs, even when he was scared. 

We eventually got a diagnosis - anxiety and ADHD - and he started therapy. I’d been going to a “feelings doctor” all of his life, so it didn’t bother him to go to one, too. 

There’s so much messaging about what ‘becoming a man’ is and what boys do and don’t do. There are layers of stigma attached to mental illness and neurodivergence, especially in the Black community. I can’t protect him from being exposed to those. But I do know that he has a firm base from which to combat them. 

On Fridays, Adam does the laundry. Well, he starts it on Friday and it usually gets finished at some point over the weekend. We all help to fold things and put them away, but it’s his thing. So much so that my daughter announced when she was newly 5yo that she didn’t want to ever marry a girl because if you marry a girl then you have to wash the clothes. We tried to point out that whoever married her would also be marrying a girl, but that didn’t seem to matter. Pro tip- do not try to use logic on a five-year-old when they have made up their mind. 

My little family cannot smash the patriarchy. It’s too big and we’re four people. We can, however, not reinforce gender roles inside our home. We can redefine “normal”. We can spark micro-revolutions.

It happens when I thank Adam for ordering the school supplies in front of the kids. It happens when I tell them I’m tired and am going to lie down. It happens when we ask for our friends’ pronouns and use them. It happens when we admit our mistakes and ask for help. It happens when Adam does the meal planning or when I drive us on long trips. It’s in the books we choose to read with them and the shows we choose to watch with them and the way we talk with them. 

I believe in the power of small changes. I believe in the power of moms to create micro-revolutions in our homes. And I believe that if we all choose even one thing we want to change that we can start pebbles rolling that will turn to boulders that can shake the earth. 

If your children ever decide to parent, what is the experience of parenting that you want for them? Stop for a moment and think about it, try to visualize it or feel it. Now, the question is, are you modeling that? 

In between the way you experience parenting and the way you hope your children experience it are a million micro-revolutions for you to choose. 

The space between the world we live in and the world we hope for our children is filled with a billion micro-revolutions for you to choose. 

Choose one.