Far too many mothers are silent about our pain. We have been convinced by the world that motherhood is a test of strength, that it’s supposed to hurt, to tear us apart. We’ve bought into the notion that everyone else can handle this, that all the other mothers are doing fine and that we are somehow especially weak, or broken, or wrong.
I’m here because I have coached a few thousand moms and I’ve seen a vastly different idea of what partnership and parenting mean to moms and dads. I have questions. These aren’t questions for you to answer to me. I’m not the one who has to live with you.
Honestly, these aren’t questions my dad could have answered - and you could say I turned out fine. But they are questions that Adam can answer without missing a beat and that’s important to both of us. The issue is why are you here? Why are you in this relationship, marriage, household? Are you a father or are you a guy who lives with a mother and some kids?
As I started to feel better, the guilt and shame crept in. How dare I enjoy any of this? I beat it back by reminding myself that I was doing this today so that I could work for the rest of the week. And then I paused and wondered - what the hell is so wrong with just wanting things?
We don’t have a formal diagnosis yet, but it has become clear that my son is dealing with some serious anxiety. He’s suffering. He’s six years old and in the first grade and this is so deeply wrong and unfair that it fills my entire self with rage, terror, and tears.
Not only can we prevent ACEs from happening to our children and the children close to us, but we can also help prevent ACEs that have already happened from negatively affecting our kids long term. So even though I can’t wave a magic wand and rid myself of my own past traumas or mental illness, I can help ensure that my children don’t suffer for them. And so can you.
This is not a hot take on Beth and Randall’s relationship in This Is Us. I’m not in that writer’s room and I don’t know if their marriage is in trouble or if it was just saved. The truth is that none of us ever know, in those major moments in our lives, whether we have just saved everyone or lit the match that will burn it all down.
