Dear Mama,

Motherhood is harder than it has to be.

Motherhood is more painful than it has to be.  

Motherhood is lonelier than it has to be. 

Motherhood is more complicated than it has to be. 

Motherhood - as we are doing it now - is dehumanizing to those who mother. And that is a tragedy. If we are to change these truths we must first accept them as truths. 

IT IS NOT YOU.

You, the mother, are not broken. You are not weak. You are not unintelligent. You are not lazy. You are not needy. You are not the wrong mother for your child. 

The systems around you, the ones you were born into, lie to you constantly. They lie to you when they tell you that the mothers who came before you were stronger than we are. They lie to you when they tell you that the child(ren) you mother need perfection from you. They lie to you when they tell you that you should know all of the hows and whys and be able to be the mother you so desperately want to be without rocking the boat. 

If you simply fill your cup, they say, you’d be able to pour forever. BUT CUPS WERE NOT MADE FOR POURING. 

If you were more organized, if you read more books, if you took more classes, you’d understand. But understanding and execution are two totally different things. 

It is assumed that your pain is noble, that your sacrifice is necessary, that in order to be a good mother you must lose your humanity. Just you. All alone. And if you fail - if you scream, if you break, if you don’t have all the answers, if you don’t break every generational curse, if you cannot somehow do it all and have it all - well, that’s a personal problem. Take a break. Get a drink. Buy something. You’ll be fine. 

But the truth is that we cannot do this alone. Self-care cannot save us. We can read all of the books and know all of the answers and still not mother in a way that leads to happy, healthy, thriving families.

BECAUSE WE ARE NOT ISLANDS. 

We must have connection with each other. True, meaningful relationships where we know we can be honest, be vulnerable, give and receive support. We must be able to learn from each other and fight for each other and care for each other emotionally and materially. We must see each other as human beings and celebrate our own humanity and the humanity of the mothers and children around us. 

I believe, I KNOW, that this will lead to systemic change. To material change. To deep and lasting change both within ourselves, our families, and our communities. 

To tell the truth about your experience of motherhood is a radical act. To trust other mothers with that truth and to hold space for their truths is an action and a commitment that will shake the world. To form bonds of connection with other mothers as human beings first and to lean on those bonds will give us a strength never before seen. 

We can do more. 

We can be more. 

We can hurt less. 

We can rest. 

We can trust. 

We can heal. 

We can thrive. 

We can rediscover our own humanity, celebrate it in our fellow mothers, and in doing so we can raise children who will turn the world upside down and set it all to rights. 

Together.